04 Nov Saving Grace: A Brown Girl’s Relationship to Saving Face

BY ANYA H

This essay is part of a collaboration between cinéSPEAK and Scissors PHL. Scissors PHL is a newspaper zine made by and for Queer, Trans, Black, Indigenous, and POC Dykes.

Growing up, I always felt like a walking paradox. 

This feeling is best described by a story from my hometown of Fremont, California. For those unfamiliar, Fremont is a suburb of San Francisco characterized by its Tesla factory, happy residents, and large Asian population.

In 2018, the Fremont school board voted 3-2 to reverse a previous decision to implement LGBTQ inclusive health education for elementary schoolers. This decision from the school board came after weeks of debate from the community. After the initial approval from the school board, some parents became outraged. In a hearing, one South Asian father stated that having queer inclusive health education would lead children to become serial killers. A mother stated that it would not align with her Asian moral values. One more Asian member of the community stated that Asians developed differently than Europeans and therefore should not have this curriculum.

The proposed program would have been opt-in, which would have allowed parents to remove their children from the health curriculum. Regardless, many parents were disturbed by the program. Sitting in the room during these debates, the racial difference between those for and those against was clear. The side arguing against the program was mainly Asian parents while those for the program were mainly white.

To me, a young queer Asian American sitting amongst the angry parents, this event seemed like an illustration of the messages I had absorbed: queerness and Asian identity were antithetical.

From a young age, I recognized that to exist as a queer Asian American is to exist in a borderland between two already marginalized identities. Like the main character Wil in Saving Face, I spent most of my life in the closet, terrified of my family and friends finding out that I was queer. I had convinced myself that being queer was a “white thing” and no good Asian American daughter was also a lesbian.

Saving Face was one of the first times I really saw myself in American or queer media. Somewhat embarrassingly, one of my best friends (who is white) had me watch the film during May 2020 through Zoom screen share. I’ll be the first to admit that it was not the best way to watch such a meaningful film, but to be fair, I didn’t know how much the movie would mean to me.

My own journey to embracing my queerness and Asian American identity parallels Wil’s in many ways. Like Wil, I wanted to be the perfect child, be accepted by my community, and be successful. And like Wil, I was certain that I could not come out without my life falling apart.

Watching the movie that day in 2020 felt like finally letting out a breath I did not know I was holding. Seeing Wil grapple with her fear, her insecurities, and her relationship to her family proved to me that I was not alone. I felt my own pain reflected in Wil coming out to her mother. Wil prefaces her confessions with “Ma, I love you,” begging her mother to accept and love her back. Her mother responds that Wil cannot love her and be gay. In fact, Wil cannot be her daughter and be gay. I felt my own fear reflected in Wil when Vivian asks Wil to kiss her in public at the airport and Wil can’t bring herself to. As I watched Vivian turn to board her flight, my heart broke. Not only for Wil and Vivian, but for myself too as I had been like Wil before.

While Saving Face reflected my fear, it also critically illustrated the potential for happiness and love in queer Asian American life. Director Alice Wu portrays a confident and openly queer character with Vivian. While I felt myself mainly reflected in Wil, Vivian’s presence as a queer Asian American acts as a foil to Wil’s turmoil and illustrates the potential for these identities to live in harmony within a person.

Throughout the movie, Wu incorporates comedy, romance, and familial love to tell an uplifting and funny story. Seeing Wil and Vivian fall in love and be loved not only by each other but by their parents as well proves that there is hope, love, and laughter amongst shame, fear, and anger in QTPOC stories.

The impact of Saving Face goes beyond the characters and story on the screen. Released in 2004, Saving Face was only the second Hollywood movie to feature an entirely Asian ensemble cast. It was also one of the first queer films to focus on Asian characters. In many ways, Saving Face set the stage for modern beloved movies such as Crazy Rich Asians and Everything Everywhere All At Once. This lasting impact on both queer film and Asian film was dependent on accurately portraying the Asian American lesbian experience, a task that proved to be an uphill battle for Wu.

Wu was approached by film executives requesting all kinds of changes. Some hoped to change the casting to white actresses such as Reese Whitherspoon. Others wanted the story to revolve around a heterosexual relationship. Up until the last moment, producers challenged the need for  Mandarin-heavy dialogue in the movie. Wu remained steadfast in her opposition to all of this, preserving the integrity and significance of the film.

Saving Face was by no means a box office smash hit. Even so, the impact of the movie transcends these capitalist metrics. Saving Face has remained unique, meaningful, and groundbreaking even 20 years later. For me personally, the film made me feel less alone in my fear and shame. It continues to push the boundaries of what it means to be Asian or queer in this country. And most importantly, Saving Face illustrated what I had once thought impossible: queerness and Asian Americaness could exist harmoniously in a person.

cinéSPEAK, PAAFF, Queer Space Philly, and Scissors PHL are teaming up to present a revival screening of Saving Face on Saturday, November 9, 2024 at 8:30 PM as part of the 2024 Philadelphia Asian American Film Festival. The event will include a pre-screening meetup at A La Mousse, the East Coast premiere of Philly-based filmmaker Jess X. Snow’s I Wanna Become the Sky, and a post-screening discussion with Snow. Learn more and purchase tickets here.

*Featured Image: Still from Saving Face. Courtesy of Sony Pictures Classics.

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Anya H from Scissors PHL is originally from the Bay Area and has been living in the Philly area for 6 years. She is a brown queer daughter of immigrants who is also an aspiring crafter, dancer, and boxer.